Just today my partner Russ and I sat down to hash out a nagging
frustration. It took a little bantering back and forth [not
without some rise in emotional tension I’ll have you know] until
we got at the heart of the issue.
Unmet expectations!
Stop and look back on the last time you were frustrated with
your life or business partner. Odds are it was because he/she
did not meet your expectations.
Expectations of…
-Leaving the toilet seat up or down
-Making the bed
-Meeting you at the restaurant on time
-And so on.
These expectations can be small or large, simple or complex,
pertinent or absurd; the point is that somewhere in your head
you expected something different to happen than what did happen.
So, most every time you find your level of frustration on the
rise it is because your partner acted contrary to one of your
myriad expectations. Now that you’ve become more or re-aware of
this what can you do about it…besides hoot and holler?
The first step is to identify what the expectation is
For
example: My husband expects that we arrive at least 15 minutes
early for meetings where we are the speakers, as he likes to
greet attendees and take our position behind the podium in a
timely manner. When for some reason I get caught talking with
someone outside he gets perturbed.
Now before we had a
dialog about this and how important it is to him I didn’t have a
clue. The same holds true for how he and I squeeze the
toothpaste!
What are your expectations with your life
partner regarding…
-Taking out the trash [who does it and
when, every day or only when it reeks to high heaven?]
-Being intimate
-Raising your children
-Getting the oil
changed
-Balancing the check book
-Hanging out with
members of the opposite sex
And with your business
partner what are your expectations regarding…
-Time and
effort put forth
-Taking time off
-Doing the work
neither of you much enjoy
-And the list goes on.
Once
you have identified which expectation is being stomped on
address it with your partner [when you emotions are in check]
and find out what his/her expectations are around the same
issue. At times you’ll find that your partner doesn’t care and
readily does it your way, and other times he/she has opposing
expectations [like the proverbial squeezing the toothpaste
scenario]. If that is the case you have some work to do.
Where do our expectations come from?
Our expectations
generally are spawned during our childhood years. I recall when
our daughter was about five years old and she came home from
visiting our neighbors rather concerned and said, “Jason’s mommy
and daddy are mad and his daddy went away. Mommies and daddies
must stay together.” Her expectation was [and still is now that
she is 26 and married] that couples work it out.
Take a
moment to reflect on some of your expectations; you might just
chuckle about where some of them come from. Like the one about
the ham…
Mother is teaching her daughter how to cook ham
for a holiday dinner. “Mom, why do you cut off the ends of the
ham before putting it in the casserole?” Mother stops to think
for a moment then says, “Because that’s how grandma did it.”
Fortunately Grandma is visiting and is sitting in the front room
reading to her five year old grandson. “Grandma, why do you cut
the ends off the ham?” Grandma smiles and says, “Why child,
because when your mother was young the pan was too small.”
Choose your battles
Depending on the expectation you may
want to concede so that in another area your partner will agree
to your preference. Determine which expectations are most
important to you and which are most important to your partner.
Be prepared for some give and take.
Find a better way.
When expectations are in conflict, it is frequently best to sit
back and look at what is best for the situation or the
relationship. Who takes out the trash may vary according to work
schedule and availability. When to take out the trash may be
determined by sanitary concerns. When individual expectations
clash the fastest way to resolve the concern is to create a
totally new expectation that fits you and your life or business
partner best.
If you are a workaholic working 16 hours a
day and your partner puts in 8hours you need to look at what
your business demands and set your expectations to line up with
your business plan and goals.
In a partnership, life or
business, remember that your expectations may need to be
realigned so that they work for the good of the relationship.
About the Author:
Margrit is a former Team Relationship Consultant for First Union
Securities [now Wachovia], Morgan Stanley, and many small
business owners and professionals. She was also a marriage and
family therapist. Today Margrit offers free relationship advice
on-line, and is working on her first e-books. Visit
http://www.stratateam.com/WhyitWorks.asp
