None of us like to think of ourselves as victims
. The term
"victim" brings to mind a pathetic image of a person who is
powerless. Therefore, It comes as a shock to most of us to
realize how often we allow ourselves to be emotional victims.
Having counseled individuals, couples, families and business
partners for 35 years, I know that many of us are victims much
of the time without realizing it.
We are being victims anytime we give another person the power
to define our worth. We are being victims anytime we make
approval, sex, things, a substance, or an activity responsible
for our feelings of happiness and lovability. We are being
victims anytime we blame another for our feelings of fear,
anger, hurt, aloneness, jealousy, disappointment, and so on.
Whenever we choose to define ourselves externally, we are
handing away power to others and we then feel controlled by
their choices. When we choose to define ourselves internally
through our connection with our spiritual Guidance, we move into
personal power and personal responsibility. The moment we
sincerely want to learn about our own intrinsic worth and what
behavior is in our highest good, and we ask Spirit, we will
receive answers. Most people do not realize how easy it is to
receive answers from a spiritual Source. The answers will pop
into your mind in words or pictures, or you will experience the
answers through your feelings, when your sincere desire is to
learn.
We always have two choices: we can try to find our
happiness, peace, safety, security, lovability and worth through
people, things, activities, and substances; or we can feel
joyful, peaceful, safe, secure, lovable and worthy through
connection with a spiritual Source of love and compassion -
taking loving care of ourselves and loving others.
Whenever we choose to find our happiness and safety through
others, then we have to try to control them to give us what we
want. Then, when they don't come through for us in the way we
hoped they would, we feel victimized by their choices.
Here is an example: Don and Joyce are in a continual power
struggle over how to handle their children. Joyce tends to be
authoritarian while Don is fairly permissive. When Joyce gets
frustrated with Don's parenting, she generally yells at him
about his permissiveness. Don often listens to Joyce rant and
rave at him. Sometimes she goes on for over an hour and he just
listens. Then, when he tries to talk with her, she refuses to
listen. Don then feels victimized, complaining about how Joyce
yells at him and refuses to listen to him.
When I asked
Don in a counseling session with him why he sits and listens to
Joyce, he stated that he hoped if he listened to her she would
listen to him. I asked if she ever does listen during these
conflicts, and he answered "No."
"Why do you need her to listen to you?"
"I want to explain to
her why I did what I did with the children."
"Why do you need
to explain it to her?"
"So she won't be mad at me."
Don allows himself to be yelled at by Joyce as his way of trying
to control Joyce, hoping to get her to approve of him. Then he
tried to explain to further control how she feels about him.
When she won’t listen, he feels victimized by her yelling,
blaming her for being such an angry, controlling person.
If Don were willing to take responsibility for approving of
himself through his connection with his Higher Power, he would
not listen to Joyce when she was yelling at him. Instead, he
would set a limit against being yelled at, stating that he would
listen to her only when she spoke to him with respect and only
when she was open to learning with him. But as long as she has
to approve of him for him to feel secure or worthy, he will not
set this limit. Until Don opens to his spiritual Guidance for
his security and worth, instead of handing this job to Joyce, he
will be a victim of her unloving behavior.
Taking
responsibility for our own feelings of worth and lovability
through developing our spiritual connection, instead of giving
that job to others, moves us out of being victims and into
personal power.
The following article is offered for free use in your
ezine,print publication or on your web site, so long as the
author resource box at the end is included. Notification of
publication would be appreciated.
About the Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of eight books,
including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You" and
co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn
Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding
course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions.
