Christmas has touched our heart as it does every year. It is
the season when people show the best of humanity. During this
season we step up to the plate. At no other time are we so
compelled to make donations, adopt a pet, tip the waiter and let
others change lanes. We are ready to connect and share our love.
Christmas is the season of relationships and a time when we take
stock. For singles, having no “significant other” with whom to
share Christmas can be a paramount concern. This year again,
many couples that have lived in emotional distance were trying
to bridge the gap. However, their efforts to re-connect competed
with the material and social distractions of the holidays.
Before they knew it, they “toasted-in” the New Year and got back
to their old ways. Let’s make Christmas count and carry our love
and compassion forward. Let’s give of ourselves, instead of
giving things. Let’s care about others, instead of ourselves.
Let’s give our hearts to those we love. Love is always right in
front of us and it is up to us to embrace it.
How do we prevent ourselves from getting back to our old
ways? How do we stop resentment and anger from sneaking into our
relationships again? Many couples need to overcome the vicious
cycle of unresolved conflict and rekindle the flame. Regardless
of who we are, most of us are yearning for more respect,
compassion, closeness, intimacy and sex.
Many are
familiar with this scenario: after two years of dating Andy and
Silvia moved in together. The initial excitement soon became
overshadowed by arguments and resentment. It also became
unusually quiet in the bedroom. What extinguished their flame?
Surprisingly, they each have a different perspective of what
went wrong:
Andy: When I come home I want to relax. It
irritates me when Silvia chats on the phone with her friends. I
can’t cook and take-out is fine. Silvia is into health food,
exercise and conscious living. She wants to discuss politics,
social issues and our relationship. Nothing is good enough for
her anymore including me. We used to have fun, but now
everything is an effort.
Silvia: I want to do things and
experience life. I want to grow with my partner. Andy wants to
hang out and unless Andy opens his mind, our life will consist
of work, TV, take-out and silence. No wonder I talk to my
friends or go to the gym by myself. I feel distant from Andy and
have lost the connection.
Andy and Silvia seem to have
different expectations, values and goals. This is common after
the initial excitement has worn off. Andy is tired of talking
and Silvia is exhausted from trying. Blame has taken the place
of communication. They need to talk about to what extent they
are both willing to change. What are they willing to do for
their relationship? Along the same line is a phenomenon
involving baby boomer couples. After 20 years of marriage with
children gone, women seek more emotional connection and romance
with their husbands. The debate goes something like this:
Barbara: I work part time. Our son studies in Australia and most
of my family live in Holland. My husband Mark works long hours
and most weekends. He comes home exhausted and wants to be left
alone. I wonder why I am married?
Mark: Why is she
complaining? Can’t she appreciate that I am doing the best I
can? I am not sure what all this relationship talk will do,
except make me angry and frustrated.
In our examples,
both women are missing a vital part in their relationships and
both men feel criticized. Both couples are frustrated and unable
to foster positive change. It is all about change! We need to
change and become better people for each other. Relationships
change and we need to change because of them! In the movie,
Notebook, Noah said: “If it is love, it weakens your soul and
you grow stronger in love.” A great line for a movie, but in
real life, it scares us! In our relationships we need to be
vulnerable and emotionally available to each other. In our
restless and distracting lives, we view our relationships as a
static fixture. It should just be there! In truth, we cannot be
in a relationship and simply ask: Take me as I am! Relationships
require us to change. Here are some fundamentals about change:
· The world changes and you must change with it!
· Your life
changes, you must change because of it!
· Your relationship
changes and you must change for it!
If we are unwilling
to change, we will be left out of the world, life, relationships
or all three together. Every time things change, our soul is
weakened, allowing us to adjust. We need to be consciously aware
of these changes. Unfortunately most of us ignore changes hoping
that they go away. This is particularly dangerous in
relationships. We take positive changes for granted and hope
that negative changes will disappear. When they don’t,
resentment and anger grow.
For Andy and Silvia dating was
a lot more fun. When their lives changed they didn’t adjust.
Instead of dealing with these changes, they both blame each
other. For Barbara and Mark life has changed and so have they.
Their relationship needs to be tuned-up to reflect these
changes. We maintain our cars, appliances and computers, because
they have to function. Yet, we expect our relationships to
function without maintenance. The reasons are simple:
relationship maintenance requires vulnerability and the
willingness to change. When we expect our relationship to
function, like a computer, we missing the point. In
relationships we do one of two things: we either grow closer
together or further apart. But never do we stay the same.
Ideally, we grow closer, but the opposite happens. We get busy,
distracted, stressed and are no longer in tune with each other.
The emotional bond is replaced with emptiness.
Resentment and anger grow and we feel lonely. This is the
prefect breeding ground for affairs, divorces and loss of
respect. The secret lies in the emotional connection.
Emotionally connected partners solve problems, have better sex
more often, argue fairly and respect and trust each other. Yes,
we need to change for our relationships and be emotionally
vulnerable. We need to let the other in all the way, not just to
the front door. If we don’t, we will never know the power of
emotional closeness. This year lets be emotionally close, really
close, sharing our fears, dreams and hopes. Lets show our real
self, the only person our partner can ever truly love. We will
be richly rewarded, but we must take the first step, even if we
can’t see the whole stairway.
© 2006 Allie Ochs
About the Author:
Allie Ochs, Relationship Expert, Coach, Speaker and the Author
of "Are You Fit To Love?" ISBN 0-9720227-9-1. Her articles are
published in numerous magazines and newsletters. She has
appeared on radio and TV. To order her book or to take the Fit 2
Love! Test visit her website at
http://www.fit2love.com. For
FREE relationship/dating advice e-mail: a
