“I’ve waited so long for love to come into my life, yet now
that it’s here, I’m depressed. I can’t figure this out,”
complained Elayne in one of our phone counseling sessions. “Todd
is really terrific. He’s all I’ve been wanting in a man – open,
caring, and emotionally available. I really think there is
something wrong with me.”
“When did you start to feel depressed?” I asked.
“Well, I think it started last week right after we spent a
wonderful weekend together.”
“What happened after the
weekend?”
“It was Sunday evening. We had just come back
from an early dinner, and Todd wanted to watch a movie with me
on TV. I told him that I wanted to go to the gym because I
hadn’t worked out in a few days. He sounded disappointed in not
watching the movie with me, so I didn’t go to the gym. I stayed
and watched the movie with him because I didn’t want him to feel
hurt and rejected.”
“And that’s when you started to feel
depressed?”
“Yes. Can it really be because I didn’t go
to the gym?”
“Well,” I said, “It’s not exactly because
you didn’t go to the gym. You probably enjoyed watching the
movie with him, right?”
“Right! A part of me did want to
watch the movie with him, because I do love being with him.
That’s why I can’t figure this out.”
“Elayne, I think
that the problem is that you make Todd’s feelings and needs more
important than your feelings and needs. You gave yourself up to
Todd out of fear of his upset feelings. I don’t think you would
have been depressed if you had decided that you really wanted to
watch the movie with Todd more than you wanted to go to the gym.
But it doesn’t sound like you took the time to go inside to see
what you really wanted. What were you afraid would have happened
if you had gone to the gym?”
“I was afraid that he would
be angry at me and withdraw from me.”
“So you were
willing to lose yourself rather than risk losing him, is that
right?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I did.”
“So
controlling his feelings and behavior was more important than
taking loving care of yourself?”
“Yeah, I guess so. I
didn’t realize that I was trying to control him by not going to
the gym, but I can see that that is exactly what I was doing.”
“So, imagine that your feelings and needs are a child within
you, and Todd’s feelings and needs are a child within him. If
you put aside your child to take care of his child, how is your
child going to feel?”
“Oh, I see! I feel depressed
because I gave myself up and put my child aside to take care of
his child! Wow, this relationship stuff is hard! I also feel
trapped and resentful, like Todd is somehow not letting me do
what I want to do. And as soon as I didn’t go to the gym, which
is what I really wanted to do, I didn’t feel very attracted to
him.”
“Right. And Todd may have been trying to control
you with his disappointment. Has he felt rejected and hurt in
the past when you didn’t do what he wanted?’
“Yes, he
does this sometimes. I hate it when he feels like that. Now I
can see that he is trying to control me with his hurt, and I’m
trying to control him by giving myself up. I can also see that
this is not going to work well.”
Elayne decided to talk with Todd about what she had learned.
Fortunately, Todd was very open to understanding his own
behavior as well as Elayne’s. Elayne made the decision to risk
letting go of responsibility for Todd’s feelings and take
responsibility for her own feelings and needs. Elayne’s
depression quickly vanished as she started to take loving care
of herself.
About the Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of eight books,
including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You" and
co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn
Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding
course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions.
