To tell you the truth, I'm a little disillusioned with the
term unconditional love, lately. It's just not "natural". The
phrase has been used for decades, by psychologists, therapists,
A.A. types and the overall spiritually minded to describe how
one should cope with impossible behavior."
The original principle behind the concept was to help the
person who is being abused accept the circumstances and not have
to live in a perpetual state of resentment towards their
partner. You, as the codependent (ie the one who is always hurt)
is supposed to see your partner as "sick" and not blame him or
her for their actions.
You're supposed to love and care
for the adulterer, batterer, gambler, manic depressive or
alcoholic the same way you would someone who has the flu.
Husband comes home drunk? Sober him up with cups of black coffee
and a dose of your eternally burning, unconditional love.
Boyfriend unfaithful? That's O.k., because you have
unconditional love for him that will last for an eternity.
Girlfriends rack up your credit cards again with her compulsive
shopping? You'll take care of the bills because you're love for
her is undying and unconditional and you've told yourself "I'll
always love her no matter what ..."
Those of us who have
been there know that we can only comfort ourselves with the
concept of unconditional love for so long until the relationship
becomes too expensive, emotionally, socially and financially.
This is often more serious then the kind of consequences we pay
when someone is sick with "the flu." Plus lately, after talking
to many clients, many of whom are still paying in one way or
another for the irresponsible behavior of a full grown adult, I
am starting to conclude that when the person with the "ism" or
"recently diagnosed personality disorder" is on to us then out
comes the term unconditional love.
If we say no or object
to the behavior, he or she can always turn around and go "but I
thought you said your love was me was unconditional!!!" This
puts us on the defense because it implies that we are the ones
who are unloving and unlovable. I think the appropriate response
is "well then why don't you go out and find someone who will
agree to co-sign your B.S.!!" If they're A.A. trained they'll
probably snap back with "that's what you get for having
expectations or preferences of me...you know I'm sick!"
I think love is conditional. One of those conditions is
"trust." If you have unconditional love for someone, it is
implicit you don't trust them, especially if you've condemned
yourself to a lifetime of loving him or her "no matter what."
Love is a natural thing, like a flower, that one should expect
to bloom and its o.k. to be disappointed if it doesn't. The
nature of love is to grow, compound and multiply and not
destroy. The next time you fall in love, put terms and
conditions on it and demand a 200% return on your investment.
It's your precious energy!
About the Author:
Samantha Stevens was a professional psychic at
many years. Read more of her articles at
If you wish to buy Samantha's books about metaphysics click here