Vanessa and Jon have a “good” marriage. They are kind and
caring with each other. They enjoy many of the same things. So
why is Vanessa in such turmoil over whether to stay or leave?
The problem is that Vanessa is very lonely with Jon. They are
good friends, but they are not emotionally intimate. Jon has no
desire to share any of his feelings with Vanessa, nor does he
have any desire to understand Vanessa’s feelings. He is content
to keep everything on the surface, while Vanessa wants a deeper
emotional connection.
Since they have many good things in
their marriage, Vanessa has decided to try marriage counseling,
and Jon has agreed. Counseling or not, there is only one thing
that can save this marriage – Jon and Vanessa shifting out of
their intent to protect against pain and into an intent to learn
about what is loving to themselves and each other.
Jon’s
intent has always been to protect against pain rather than to
learn about being loving to himself and others. He has done this
by numbing out his feeling with marijuana and work. Jon’s choice
to continue to protect against pain or to begin to open to
learning from his feelings will determine the outcome of the
counseling.
Broken Families Broken Homes:
Protecting Your Family from the Epidemic of Divorce
by Rick Douglass available from Amazon.co.uk
Vanessa, too, has operated with the intent to
protect against pain. She has ignored her own feelings and been
a “good” wife, submerging her own needs to comply with what Jon
wanted. But at some point, she shifted her intent to learning
about what is loving to herself, and now she realizes she cannot
continue in an emotionally disconnected marriage.
The
issues in your relationship may be about emotional distance,
lack of passion, sexual problems, constant fighting, emotional
abuse, (if there is physical abuse, then you must find a way to
leave), or being used financially. There may be control and
resistance occurring around many different issues. Yet the
underlying issue is a lack of open and caring communication. And
open communication only occurs when both people have a deep
intention to learn about their feelings, fears, limiting
beliefs, and resulting unloving behavior. If one or both people
in a relationship are closed to learning about themselves and
each other, the relationship will not heal.
If you are
thinking about leaving your relationship, first think about your
own intent. Are you open to learning about your feelings,
beliefs and behavior? Or, are you devoted to protecting against
pain with anger, withdrawal, resistance or caretaking? Are you
avoiding your feelings with substances and activities, or are
you opening to learning from your feelings and exploring
yourself with a process such as the Inner Bonding process that
we teach? The first thing you need to do is deal with your own
intent.
Once you are open to learning for a number of
months, and really doing your inner work, then re-evaluate your
relationship. Has anything changed? Is your partner more or less
open to you? Are you talking more and fighting or withdrawing
less?
If things are not getting better or are getting
worse, then it is time to ask your partner if he or she is
willing to do some healing work with you – through counseling,
workshops, and reading books together. If your partner refuses
to embark on a learning journey with you, then it is clear that
this relationship will not change. At this point, you need to
either fully accept it as it is or leave it. It will not become
the relationship you want it to be unless both of you are open
to learning.
If one or both partners remain in the intent to protect, the
relationship will not heal. Yet most relationships can be healed
when both people are deeply devoted to learning about loving
themselves and each other.
About the Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of eight books,
including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You" and
co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn
Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding
course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions.
