“Mom I want to put lavender and green streaks in my hair. All
my friends are doing it.”
Needless to say Mom’s hair turned a few colors on the spot.
And Dad? What’s left of his hair was standing straight as he
responded, “No daughter of mine is dying her hair green and
purple!”
The battle lines were drawn.
At this
point parents usually get into power struggles with their child.
Scared about the sudden demands for unfamiliar changes parents
are immediately worried that their child is heading for trouble
and try to protect her by saying no. It is often believed that
the issue is hanging around with “bad kids.” In these
post-Columbine days, there is also confusion about what
represents normal adolescent behavior and signs of a deeper
problem. In simplest terms, if your teen still makes some
reasonable connections with you, albeit less often, and her
general behavior has not undergone sudden, marked changes, she
is probably just being a typical teen.
Part of your
anxiety is the sense that the older she gets, the less control
you feel you have over your teen’s behavior. (Of course that
control has been an illusion anyway but that’s another story!)
When parents just say no (to borrow a popular phrase) they are
likely to only intensify their teen’s resolve to do what they
are not being allowed to do. Anger and disconnection are the
probable outcomes when teens feel they are not being heard or
understood. Think about how you have similar feelings when a
spouse doesn’t take the time to really listen to you.
A
suggestion when teens begin to push the limits is to switch from
the “benevolent dictator” model that most parents use with
younger children to the “collaborative management” model that is
so effective in the business world. Actually it helps if this
has been a gradual transition through the childhood years, but,
if not, it’s time to make a conscious change. The latter model
requires parents to recognize the limits of their influence over
their children while at the same time recognizing that they are
not as powerless as they often feel with teenage children. The
primary tool in using this model is the art of successful
negotiations.
Your 14-year-old says, “This 11 o’clock
curfew is for the birds. All my friends stay out until twelve
and some get to stay out till one on Saturday nights. I feel
like a jerk being the first one to go home every weekend. I want
a later curfew!”
A frequent reply is “We think you’re too
young to stay out that late. There’s nothing to do at that hour
but get into trouble.” Sometimes the parent throws in, “I’m sure
all your friends don’t have such late curfews.”
“No way!
I can get into just as much trouble before eleven.”
He’s
right. So are you. And that is one of the key points. In dealing
with most of the demands made by adolescents parents will find
valid issues on both sides of the argument. It is important to
recognize the significant issues pressuring your teen to push
for changes especially the need to belong, to fit in with a
group of friends. In fact one could characterize the parent-teen
conflict as primarily the struggle between parents and peers for
influence over your teen’s behavior.
In order to maintain
a healthy and successful exchange it is important that all
parties come away from the table feeling heard, understood, and
with a sense of having a solution that is “win-win” rather than
“win-lose.” For example, in responding to the request for a
later curfew, try starting the discussion by saying, “You’re
right.” Those two words have an amazing way of diffusing an
argument and creating a context for working out a solution. “You
are getting older and probably many of your friends do have
later curfews. We’re not ready to make 12 your regular curfew
but we’re open to some kind of change. What do you suggest?”
One outcome of this discussion could be that the teen is given a
monthly wild card for a 12:00 curfew to be used as decided by
the teen. The understanding is that if this goes well in a
couple of months it will increase to twice monthly. While some
teens might still object experience has been that most are
willing to work with their parents in this manner because they
expected to be turned down and are surprised by the willingness
of the parents to really listen and be open to change. It also
gives the teen the chance to earn increased privilege and have
control over when to cash in the wild card. That’s especially
helpful when there’s an important party coming up and he wants
to be able to stay out later.
Meanwhile you feel good
about having slowed the process of increased freedom and walking
away with a feeling of still having a role in guiding your
teenager.
But what if there doesn’t appear to be room for
compromise? For example your 16-year-old daughter asks to go
away for the weekend with her 18-year-old boyfriend to visit
some of his friends at a nearby college. Whenever you believe
the risks are too high you are going to say no – as you should.
When the screaming dies down, try to understand the pressures on
your daughter to do this. Part of it may be the fear that her
boyfriend will decide to find an older girlfriend who has more
freedom. There might be an alternative that is acceptable but
sometimes there just isn’t. In that case all that can be done is
to validate her concerns but stand firm that this is not for
16-year-olds.
The reality is that sometimes teenagers
challenge their parents with requests that they want you to turn
down because they are scared but can’t say no. They need you to
be the “mean parents” who won’t let her go as a face-saving
device. Your teenager wants you to be strong. But how can you
tell when she wants you to say no? Take your cues from the teen.
My rule of thumb is that the more rigid and uncompromising she
is, the more likely she doesn’t want you to give in. If it’s
really important, she’ll try to work out an acceptable
compromise with you. For example, in this request, you may know
a daughter of a friend who attends the college and would be glad
to have your daughter stay with her. It could be also kept to a
shorter visit with you agreeing to pick her up or arranging a
bus ride home.
Meanwhile what happened to the request for
green and lavender streaks? The solution may lie in limiting the
amount of hair to be colored, and perhaps even agreeing to have
it done by your hairdresser, though usually half the fun is the
kids doing each other’s hair. On this one you need to question
why it’s such a problem for you. One parent gave her okay except
that it had to be done after attending a major family function
that was coming up soon.
The idea of joining in the
process is often helpful. A request for a tattoo was responded
to by a father saying that because of the health risk and the
permanence of it, he would say okay only if he could go along.
His presence was negotiated to make sure it was sterilized
equipment, a really skilled person, and that he would have some
say about size and location. The son said okay but never got
around to making the appointment. A daughter asking for a nose
jewel got a similar response; with the parent wanting to make
sure it was safe and getting confirmation that the hole would go
away after it was removed. The daughter did it, wore it for
several months, and then stopped wearing it. Meanwhile she and
her mother had a better relationship.
There is an irony to all this that must not be missed. The
more you insist on having control the less you have. You
actually have greater influence on your teen’s life when you
give up control in small but steady pieces. It also better
prepares them for future years when they will have to make
decisions on their own.
About the Author:
Dr. Heller is a clinical psychologist, now retired, who
specialized in providing services to children, families, and
couples since 1968. He has written over 150 columns about
parenting and marriage which are available on his website,
http://www.drheller.com. He is
a frequent media resource.
