I hate Shoulds. They're evil. They scream at me and shake their fingers. Ought
to Have to and Must are just as bad. They make me the opposite of motivated.
You SHOULD write another newsletter. You have to!
The way I'm wired, the only possible response is, "Oh no I don't." It's part of
my genetic code to resist. In the fight for dominance between me and the giant
parent in the sky I will always win. I long ago gave up any chance of being a
good person.
This doesn't serve me all that well. I realized a while back that I'm wasting an
awful lot of energy with all that resistance.
I've found a way to trick myself-- to turn Shoulds into Want Tos. It's also a
good process for any kind of tough decision. Here's how it goes:
I treat all the choices as equally viable options without judgment, and I ask
myself, "What do I like about it?"
For example, I was torn about making a day trip to Boston (about 5 hours driving
roundtrip). The reason for going was desirable (see a celebrity I like at a
private party) but I don't much like going into the city and I'm shy about
socializing with strangers. Did I really want to gear up for that? It seemed
exhausting.
I made an honest list of everything I liked about the idea of going and
everything I liked about the idea of not going. I didn't bother with the reasons
against either. They were irrelevant.
When I was done I looked it over and got a sense of the values expressed in both
lists. Those expressed in one list were clearly more the person I aspire to be
than those in the other. By focussing only on what I liked about each I was able
to lift my attitude. I gave myself full permission to make either choice and one
was definitely more what I wanted.
I encourage you to try it with a tough decision or a nagging SHOULD. Let me
know if you need some help and send me a note about your results if it works for
you too.
P.S. I went to the party. The celebrity kissed me.
About the Author:
Liz Sumner, M.A., CPC, of Find Your Way Coaching, coaches people who hate their
jobs. Are you happy with your direction? Do you feel good about yourself? Are
you fearless? Joyful? Energized? You could be. Visit
http://www.findyourwaycoaching.com or call
603-876-3956 for more information.
